specters

late
or early, depending on perspective

stumble up stairs
stumble against door
sober but sleepy
scrape of key
door falls open
my shadow bursts in
my harbinger
squint
dark home
bright window
can’t see much in my pad

step in
turn
shut door
turn

shape in the corner of a man

whatthefuckwhothehellwhatthehellisgoingon

he’s still
i’m still

long moment passes
silence from each of us
my lungs remind me of their needs

he’s still
he’s still there
he’s still
I step forward
speaking “Who are you?”

silence

i step forward
reach for the switch
heartbeatheartbeatheartbeatheartbeat
my carpet will need shampoo
after i deal with this uninvited guest

switch flip
light on

he vanishes.

a vacuum with towel draped on
however
sits still and silent in that corner.

i feel the fool
and relieved

i know what this is

this is how we created god
this is how we created fear
this is how we created insecurity

in my mind’s eye i perceive
but none of it is real
in my mind’s eye worlds are made
but none of it is real
in my mind’s eye i put together
pieces of a puzzle which doesn’t exist.

sooner or later we turn on the light
sooner or later light is forced on us
sooner or later we see the truth

how sad when we prefer the illusion

light fills me
relieves me
blesses me
thrills me
challenges me
makes me honest

once more
angry scream
drive to destroy something
based in perceived impotence
the light comes on
again it isn’t what it seems.

and i cannot help but giggle at myself

if i want it
i get to have it
period
because i will it to be so
all i have to remember is that i did this before
and i can do it again
because my will is that strong

let there be light, kids,
let there be light